And Im a little kid at a 3-ring circus

so lately I've had A Lot of healing. Ive come to terms with many things weighing on my heart. Ive been opening up my heart so much more now than I have in so long. I don't know where I'm going but my trust lies in the hands of my Creator. I know I cant live life on my own. No it doesnt mean that from now on everything is going to be peachy. We all go through trials but we don't all deal with it the same way. A couple years ago, I had just opened my heart completely to the Lord and asked Him to show me what was next, yah i thought everything was going good i had Jesus woohoo. Really there was alot of junk that i had stored deep down in a vault sealed shut and wasn't planning on opening up my Pandora's box. It had to be revealed though so i could find healing. Some of you know what I am talking about, I went through trauma recovery and although I was learning so much and good things were happening from that, i felt even more broken. They gave me the "tools" to deal with what had happened instead of keeping it buried. I asked God often why? Why would you make me go through this,, go through it again and again. I was mad at God and I was gonna live life my way. And all that did was draw me down into a deeper ditch. I made a lot of bad decisions, and threw myself into so many things too fast that I was not ready for. I didnt have boundaries, well sometimes i did. I think with one of my latest relationships I revealed too much about myself too fast, and Im sorry for that. I used to be all over the place and never shut up but i definitely have calmed down a lot. Ive established boundaries and I dont really share as much, people who are "safe" i do. Anyway I stopped getting mixed up in everything because I didnt like where i was headed and who I was becoming. I didnt like myself, i was insecure, and couldnt trust my decision making. So I re-established my prayer life, Lord knows I wouldnt have made this much progress without Him.
The Move
I just recently moved to literally the middle of nowhere, taken away from all that I know, all my support, all my "escapes", and it was just me and God. It has given me an opportunity to think clearly, sort things out and get away from all the drama. Its lonely but at the same time not, because Jesus was and is holding onto me. Every bad memory that sneaks up I have been offering to the Lord, my past failures, my relationship with my parents. Ive found forgiveness in myself and others. Even though there is pain there is much joy. Vulnerability with the unknown scared me but I finally have opened up to it and it brings great things. Im so proud of myself, this is BIG. Im content with whatever happens. I dont know what the next step is but I'm hoping(confident trust in God, not wishful thinking) and praying that God will lead me to where Im meant to be.
I want to thank everyone who has contributed to my walk with the Lord, thank you for being there for me and letting me know that I am a good person and making me aware that the Lord is working in my life. Thank you for the inspiration and sharing the Love of Christ with me. I pray that I can make a difference in the lives of others like you have in mine:D

you have turned my mourning into dancing!

Friday, June 19, 2009 at 11:47pm | Edit Note | Delete

Restless Nights
the memories haunt the room, leaving a cold child in the midst
another restless night to leave bags under my eyes the next day
i try to forget but the stain remains on my heart
longing for the morning star to rise
trying so hard to fight the temptations of my escape from this internal prison


Unappreciated
stabbed in the back, pierced through the heart
i give, they take,
all of me, nothings left

nothing but a broken heart
the tears flow from my soul


Epiphany
grace restores me with scars bandaged in the shape of a cross
my mind eases with the promise of tomorrow
Love waits for me with open arms
intentions of healing and not of scorn
my soul yearns for HIS embrace

Flow
the tears flow down her face as the soul weeps for what once was
the tears flow down her face as the soul remembers the memories
the tears flow down her face as the soul questions all that shes done

the tears flow down her face as the soul repents
the tears flow down her face as the soul rejoices in healing
the tears flow down her face as the soul begins to find peace

Tears of sorrow turn into tears of joy as time goes on. Healing is taking place within the heart